moving out ...
I'm moving the weblog over to the website and switching to Movable Type. Future entries go here. While I'm at it, I might as well plug my website.

It's been fun ...

healthy
When I got back on Friday and got dresssed to go out I discovered to my horror that my cargos felt much tighter, especially round the troublesome stomach area.

Shit. I've gained weight. Again. It's been creeping and creeping up I tell ya. It's a bad sign.

I still can't stop eating so quickly and so much. But it's bothering me. A lot.

It's fine during week when I cook for myself and not eat out. It's the weekends.

And the need for exercise.

strangely familiar
I'm back in Singapore again, 10 days this time. All so familiar - getting out of the airport, checking into the hotel, the hotel room is exactly the same as last time, except everything is a mirror image.

I didn't have anything for dinner last night cos I had 2 lunches and the whole meal on the plane already. I had some noodles after I checked in but by the time I got to the airport I was hungry again so I had a portion of Popeye's fried chicken - 2 pieces, 1 biscuit and coleslaw. Their buttermilk biscuit is supposed to be really famous but it's no different from the KFC one, just another scone.

The low calorie meal on the flight was the same as before - pork and pasta. I'm wondering if that's the only option. It was ok though. Watched "Mona Lisa Smile" and flipped through the magazines. The take-off was delayed cos there were like 4-5 passengers who checked in but didn't board, so they had to take their luggage off. Not sure why so many.

It's quite hot here but strangely everything is so familiar. Had nask lemak for lunch. After work I'll go to Carrefour to stock up on drinks and snacks.

making an effort
It's been a fantastic long weekend. We both subconsciously decided to put our problems aside and communicate more and make the relationship work. I think, hope, we've grown closer.

Today we took a long distance bus, had lunch walked around the shops and just enjoyed each other's company. It was nice. May be in the long run our lives can be like this all the time.

I have hope.

Of passions and meaning
Easter Sunday. What better than to watch The Passion of Christ. What did I feel after it finished? Long, and slow. Violence and goryness for the sake of seeing lots of blood. Too much telling, not enough showing.

Everyone knows the story. I know Jesus was beaten up, sacrificed his life for us. It's a powerful, moving and extremely important story. It's a story I already believe in, have passion over, and was all prepared to shed tears over.

But the film didn't touch on any of the drama, meaning, depth. I sat there thinking about how they got the bodysuit special effects done, wondering about the names of the characters and waiting for something to happen that would grab my attention. Ritual beatings and lots of fake blood wasn't how I want to remember this. But unfortunately that's how it has remained.

hot and cold
So yesterday I took a half day and was gone by noon. Picked up some Easter Eggs and ingredients for soup then headed for her place. She originally said she'd stay over at mine's the night before my birthday but she was too sick, fever and stomach flu. I feel guilty because I let her sense my disappointment, even though logically and rationally she wasn't in any shape to travel.

She was really tired so I left her in bed. Had a quick lunch, did some surfing, played Dope Wars, which I haven't done in a long long long while.

Eventually I crawled into bed as well, although I didn't consciously intended to sleep I pretty much fell asleep immediately. I must have been dreaming or stressed cos later she told me I was grinding my teeth.

I woke up when she started shivering. She said she was cold and she already had 3 blankets on. The shivering got worse and no amount of holding or wrapping helped. I was really worried. How could she be shivering when her temperature was at 101. Called the doctor who told us to get to his clinic asap (doesn't he do house calls?). He was a bit worried as well and gave her new, stronger medicine.

Getting out and about may have helped, when we got home the shivering had stopped and after an hour or so she felt well enough to brave a shower while I stood watch. For a change no ulterior motives - well, not much.

I didn't stay over. I can't really say exactly why. I'm not going over tonight either.

I feel like I'm being an asshole. Not being there when I'm most needed. There's guilt. A fair bit of guilt.

My feelings are like a seesaw, up and down, hot and cold, and I'm thinking, thinking. I can't stop. Sometimes I have a deep, warm want that spreads up through me unabated. Other times I drift away, my mind on other things, things that have nothing to do with us, even though we're sitting right next to each other.

We both deserve better. Just that right now I don't know if I can give her everything she deserves, just like she's feeling bad that she's falling short of what she wants to give me.

So many words and I'm just skirting round the real issue and feelings.

12.00
happy birthday me.

hot
all of a sudden everything feels hot. The air I breathe out, the back of my neck, inside my eyelids. I'm sure I have a fever but the digital thermometer I have at home doesn't seem to work and the instructions are all in German. I call up the doctor's clinic at lunch time and was told the earliest appointment is 4.45pm and I'd have to wait anyway.

I gave up. Went home, had a bit of porridge. But didn't feel like sleeping so I organised my iTunes library and updated the musicality pages on the website.

I still feel hot. My throat feels dry. I'm either very hot or very cold. I put on an extra shirt only to take it off again in a while.

Ok, that's it. I'm sick.

the days of our coming
Yesterday was her birthday, I took her to this champagne buffet brunch, all limitless Moët and 8 kinds of fruit juices and 3 types of oysters and lobsters and giant tiger prawns with cajun flavouring and sushi and prime rib. Highest quality of every sort of luxury food imaginable. Even the pizza was great.

Overindulgence plus probably the result of eating 2 dozen oysters I came down with the mother of all food poisoning. We made it back to her place, just, and I got hit with a splitting headache and the constant need for the bathroom.

I feel so bad to have ruined my baby's birthday. She says it's okay and I know she doesn't mind. But I need to make it up to her.

In a couple of days' time it's my turn. Originally we'd booked another posh buffet but we might cancel and have something simple at home. It really doesn't matter how we celebrate, the most important thing is we're together.

Okay I'll knock off the sickly sweetness now.

mind babble
being online
I'm so determined to have a weekend entry that my mind has gone blank. All I know is, I want, need, have to break the weekend draught. Yet I have nothing. Report of the day is so lame, the one feeling that's overwhelming me all the time recently is still too raw to put to words.

It took me 15 minutes to get this far, thanks to dial-up connection. To think, when I first got a modem, how excited I was. In those days waiting a while for a page to load was usual. Today I'm having to deal with 48000bps transfer, a retarded mouse and text size that's too big for my liking. I'm one of those who customise everything. I don't like large text.

eating well
Dinner last night with her folks at a buffet place. Loadsafood. Very nice. We were there from 6.30pm till it closed at 10pm. She was saying it's probably the first time she's sat through a session. We were well and truly stuffed.

Today's lunch was the same. Long. Long. Long. For various reasons we weren't ready to leave even after everyone was full. I was so bored I nearly fell asleep and had to get up to go to the bathroom to wake myself up. And not to be rude.

trying to be healthy
I had dinner on my own, she has a dinner function, which she so doesn't want to go. I find I eat less on my own than when we're together.

And while I had all sorts of alcholic options (beer, scotch, sake) I'm drinking ... chocolate milk, diluted around 30% with skimmed milk. I'm still on that kick. Now it's probably really fattening but I figured around the same as beer, and I could do with the calcium anyway.

taking the heat
It's really starting to get warm. I was sweltering in my sweatshirt today, which I was too lazy to take off cos I didn't want to carry it. Making for rather sticky skin when we got home and the need for a shower quickly. No other chance of sweatiness or stickiness though, but I'm not ready to go there yet.